Monday, February 6, 2012

Misplaced Monologues: "Sabotage"

    Sometimes, when something is very important yet relatively easy, I just freeze up.  I hit this metaphorical wall and my chest gets tight with fear.  Of what?  Not sure.

    Success?  More likely failure, or even pressure.  The stress I create around a situation where all I have to do is just freakin' try simply boggles my mind.  It's unnecessary and it sucks butt.

    I'm sitting here needing to make a call about a job offer I received on Friday and all I can think is that waiting over the weekend has ruined my chances, so why bother?  My logical mind knows it's an employment agency and they're just trying to help, but my emotional side just wants to run and hide.

    Is it phone phobia?  I get this way when having to make calls I don't choose to make, and being just a voice on one end of a communication makes me feel stripped down and vulnerable.  I don't have my charms to fall back on, no other gaze to meet with knowledge.  I feel like a total blathering idiot on the phone and it usually comes through.

    Why?  Why? Why?

    Damn it.  I cannot blog myself out of this phone call.  I tried to make a self-imposed deadline of calling before 4 PM, but I already shot that one to shit and downloaded Venture Brothers ringtones instead (and still couldn't find one of Hank going, "I'm the Bat.")

    Self-sabotage is what Chris would say, but that's because he's commonly guilty of that offense.  Chris is my man, my bestie, my life partner, and sometimes my wife.  He is usually the emotional girl about stuff; I get sad and get over it, but I have this horrible block with communication.  I think it comes down to fear of being judged.

    What is Sally Nobody at the employment agency going to care about this?  Not a smidge.  This is my fight, and I have to just push forward.

    Defeat is not an option.  The truth is out there.  Well, maybe more the first one.