Friday, May 10, 2024

D.N.S. Poem: "Annual Dream"

I dream
Once in a blue moon.
But whenever I do?
It's all about you.

You jerk.
You witch—
You beautiful bitch.
You are the scratch I can never itch.

I dream of forgiveness.
I dream of bliss.
I dream of mischief
While leading you by the wrist.

You listen.
You forgive.
We fucking frolic
And I finally live.

But you're still you
Through and fucking through
'Cause in last night's dream?
You told me not to say 'I love you.'

Nothing could be more you...

Except the part
Where I wake
And your heart remains
Filled with hate.

I don't accept my fate.
My annual dream has gotta mean
More than just a psyche's scream.
There's gotta be more for you & me.

I'm so sick of wait and see.
But I fucked this up twice before.
No goddamn more...
Not until I leave my next book at your door.

You whore.
No matter what's in store?
I love you more.
See you in my dreams.
-10:23 AM, 12/13/2023

Friday, January 6, 2023

Poem: "This"

If I could say anything to you
It'd be so succinct, and I'd warn you
That you'd die in November.

You wouldn't believe me.
Who would? I'd sound crazy.
I'd cry, beg and plead with you
But you'd follow your truth.
And you'd die in November.

Regrets are fucking pointless—
how was I so spineless?
To not force you to believe
That you'd prematurely leave
And be dead before December.

There's no hope left, believe me.
But I hope you went easy
After half a decade of grieving
You deserved to finally breathe—

Not just fucking leave.

I'm so sorry these words
Won't be heard
By you. My goddamn girl
Who deserved the fucking world–
Not this.

I failed to lead you by the hand
When I'm somebody that under-fucking-stands
The grip of this shit
How your life was taken by it.
'Cause I almost went first.

There's no good reason I'm here
And you're nowhere.
Same age. Same town.
We both tried to drown.
Only one surfaced.

You didn't deserve this.
-8:50 PM, 01.06.2023

Love Always, @HaleyBCU

Sunday, November 20, 2022

Poem: "Without You"

Were you lonely
On the day you died?
Did you feel it coming?
Did you try & hide?

Were you ready?
Plans in place.
Ready to ascend
Beyond outer space?

I don't know
What the religious believe.
Seems the only purpose
is allowing room to grieve.

I've never bought in
to Hell, Heaven, or God.
I believe in people.
Needing more feels odd.

I was going to say,
"I hope it's true.
Hope you were right,
And this wasn't it for you."


But I don't hope that.
Hope's not my bag.
I'm fucked up that you're gone
And you're never coming back.

That I'll never hear your laugh;
gravely, wild, and kind.
And never get another one-on-one
Where I peek inside your mind.

There's no hope left for you.
That time is fucking passed.
No purpose in pounding fists,
Or telling life to kiss my ass.

Beliefs mean nothing
Staring into reality's cold face,
When the truth is
None of us are long for this place.

But you?
You left too soon.
I'll never forget you.
And have no clue what to fucking do.

Without You.

Love Always,
@HaleyBCU -11:22 AM, 11/20/2022

Friday, September 23, 2022

Poem: "but"

i get it now.
i finally understand.
a new door opens—
after one's slammed on your hands.
life is breathing, evolving.
breaking. sobbing.
losing it all and starting anew
is the new black and fuckin' blue.

but, who am i kidding?
i don't have a clue.
falling for narcissists
like they're something new.
they pick me out of a crowd
saying, 'hey, i like you.
you've got that magic shit, girl,
with that thing that you do.'

same old story, different year
but, bitch?
i'm still right here.
too much for you?
yeah.
that's fucking true.
because I'm 100% me
with or without you.

loyal. honest.
true fucking blue.
messy. dramatic.
selfish as shit, too.
i have to be,
or i lose myself
to assholes
like you.

pull out a mirror
that shit'll get clearer
but you won't
out of fear, dear.
you won't take a selfie
'cause you're afraid of yourself, see?
but i'm not.
of you or of me.

but?
upon further reflection
i'm the denominator
that's common.
the loser.
alone here.
starting over
again.

but,
bb?
my ass
can
always
make
new
friends.
-12:28 AM, September 23rd, 2022

Wednesday, September 14, 2022

D.N.S. Poem: "Wrong"

Fuck you,
you bitch
for leaving me
adrift—
unable to trust
my own spit.

You're dog shit.
Suck a fat dick,
quick!
Before I kick your clit.
Your bullshit?
I'm over it.

No longer pissed.
This shit is bliss.
You won't be missed.
Forever this
you've been dismissed.
My ass? Please kiss.

I'm goddamn done.
It's over, hon.
You haven't "won."
'Cause you'll never come
to the conclusion
you've done a damn thing wrong.

So fucking long.
It's your swan song.
See your ass out
at the sound of the gong.
Bong.
Your heart is gone.

You were fucking wrong.
12:54 AM, 09.14.2022

Thursday, September 1, 2022

Poem: "Surface"

advice from a dime-store
nobody's got time for.
cross-stitched platitudes
about positive attitudes,
facing adversity strong
head on.

it's all fucking wrong.
I'm here
with my thirty-six years
to alleviate your fears:

give in. be weak.
fall to pieces.
just be.
fucking breathe.

Set free
ideas preconceived
the doubt?
throw it out.
let that shit drown
it's weighing you down.

just let go.
people float.
you'll rise
in due time.

but? sink first.

touch the bottom,
scrape your toes—
know
the sensation
so returning
isn't damnation.

rock bottom
is a myth,
underwater caverns exist,
you will surface.
-10:13 AM, 09/01/2022

Love Always, Haley BCU

Tuesday, May 17, 2022

D.N.S. Poem: "Change Your Heart"

You loved me first.
You're the worst.
You called me best—
Fuck the rest.

I'll take
My spastic life
Over
Your plastic life.

But they're better
Together.
Like p.b. & chocolate
Or pussy & dick.

Our lives—our why's—
Are so deeply intertwined
That I "haunt your dreams."
Touché: you haunt my mind.

Without you, my art is dirty
Ragged and malformed.
Like a freshly aborted fetus
In a sodden cardboard box.

Every time I see a fox.
Or hear someone say "babies"
Every time I watch fireworks.
Every time I read my own damn book.

Every time I have to sell it.
Every time I talk about it
I hear you, talking about me.
Every time.

There is no separation.
I've tried & almost died.
The only person who can help
Won't respond to my cries.

The only person who can relieve
The burden of waiting for you
To love me again
Is you.

Tell me you hate me!
Tell me to leave you alone.
To never speak to you again.
'Cause you haven't. Not once.

Why?

Am I a back-up for when you alienate your next best?
Or are you too afraid
To banish a bitch
From your heart to Hell?

Am I the only one you've let inside?
Are you afraid
I'm the only one
You ever will?

Do you hate that
Someone who loves you,
Whom you can't stand,
Knows your heart like the back of her hand?

I may not know
Who you are now,
But there's some shit
I won't let you disavow.

You can't change your heart
Any more than me,
Or you wouldn't have taken my book
And you wouldn't have told me your dreams.
Love Fucking Always,
P.S. I wrote this book because of her. I wouldn't have finished it without her. It means something.