Poetry, monologues & more from @HaleyBCU, author of @AllyJeanSeries & @AriAndTheUnderground. www.haleybcu.com
Sunday, November 20, 2022
Poem: "Without You"
On the day you died?
Did you feel it coming?
Did you try & hide?
Were you ready?
Plans in place.
Ready to ascend
Beyond outer space?
I don't know
What the religious believe.
Seems the only purpose
is allowing room to grieve.
I've never bought in
to Hell, Heaven, or God.
I believe in people.
Needing more feels odd.
I was going to say,
"I hope it's true.
Hope you were right,
And this wasn't it for you."
But I don't hope that.
Hope's not my bag.
I'm fucked up that you're gone
And you're never coming back.
That I'll never hear your laugh;
gravely, wild, and kind.
And never get another one-on-one
Where I peek inside your mind.
There's no hope left for you.
That time is fucking passed.
No purpose in pounding fists,
Or telling life to kiss my ass.
Beliefs mean nothing
Staring into reality's cold face,
When the truth is
None of us are long for this place.
But you?
You left too soon.
I'll never forget you.
And have no clue what to fucking do.
Without You.
Love Always,
@HaleyBCU -11:22 AM, 11/20/2022
Friday, September 23, 2022
Poem: "but"
i finally understand.
a new door opens—
after one's slammed on your hands.
life is breathing, evolving.
breaking. sobbing.
losing it all and starting anew
is the new black and fuckin' blue.
but, who am i kidding?
i don't have a clue.
falling for narcissists
like they're something new.
they pick me out of a crowd
saying, 'hey, i like you.
you've got that magic shit, girl,
with that thing that you do.'
same old story, different year
but, bitch?
i'm still right here.
too much for you?
yeah.
that's fucking true.
because I'm 100% me
with or without you.
loyal. honest.
true fucking blue.
messy. dramatic.
selfish as shit, too.
i have to be,
or i lose myself
to assholes
like you.
pull out a mirror
that shit'll get clearer
but you won't
out of fear, dear.
you won't take a selfie
'cause you're afraid of yourself, see?
but i'm not.
of you or of me.
but?
upon further reflection
i'm the denominator
that's common.
the loser.
alone here.
starting over
again.
but,
bb?
my ass
can
always
make
new
friends.
-12:28 AM, September 23rd, 2022
Wednesday, September 14, 2022
D.N.S. Poem: "Wrong"
you bitch
for leaving me
adrift—
unable to trust
my own spit.
You're dog shit.
Suck a fat dick,
quick!
Before I kick your clit.
Your bullshit?
I'm over it.
No longer pissed.
This shit is bliss.
You won't be missed.
Forever this—
you've been dismissed.
My ass? Please kiss.
I'm goddamn done.
It's over, hon.
You haven't "won."
'Cause you'll never come
to the conclusion
you've done a damn thing wrong.
So fucking long.
It's your swan song.
See your ass out
at the sound of the gong.
Bong.
Your heart is gone.
You were fucking wrong.
12:54 AM, 09.14.2022
Thursday, September 1, 2022
Poem: "Surface"
nobody's got time for.
cross-stitched platitudes
about positive attitudes,
facing adversity strong
head on.
it's all fucking wrong.
I'm here
with my thirty-six years
to alleviate your fears:
give in. be weak.
fall to pieces.
just be.
fucking breathe.
Set free
ideas preconceived
the doubt?
throw it out.
let that shit drown
it's weighing you down.
just let go.
people float.
you'll rise
in due time.
but? sink first.
touch the bottom,
scrape your toes—
know
the sensation
so returning
isn't damnation.
rock bottom
is a myth,
underwater caverns exist,
you will surface.
-10:13 AM, 09/01/2022
Love Always, Haley BCU
Tuesday, May 17, 2022
D.N.S. Poem: "Change Your Heart"
Friday, April 15, 2022
Misplaced Monologues: "Bad Day"
Thursday, April 7, 2022
Misplaced Monologues: "I Hate Journaling"
The title says it all, doesn’t it? I can’t stand this shit. It feels moronic, self-gratifying — an utter waste of time. I’ve never been able to hold to it with any consistency, because I’ve never seen a point. Until now.
Before we get there, let’s begin at a rudimentary locale: my name is Haley, I’m a writer, and a recovered alcoholic. An ex-drunk is not the only thing I am or have been, but my addiction played a major part in my downfall and lack of memory, so it’s relevant. My ex-best friend has a starring role, too, but I’ll talk about her too much, so we’ll save her for later.
My writing is what brought me here, quite literally. To this line on this screen, but also to an unexpected place where I’m trying to be a semi-successful fiction author. Why? I have no fucking idea. Nothing else feels right. In the same respect, even writing barely feels like mine anymore. That lack of ownership pertains to the ex-best friend, but — again — saving her for later.
This effort. This new foray into an old habit that didn’t rob me of copious braincells is a last ditch attempt to retain any semblance of a day-to-day memory recall. Honestly? I struggle hour to hour; occasionally moment to moment, but it’s no one’s fault but my own. This is not a request for pity or penance, but a place to document these thoughts — the shit I simply won’t remember. I’m not ready to say can’t yet, because I’ve made no attempt to hone my memory, memory is a skill, and any skill requires practice.
I can say I will journal. I might hate it. Ugh, I definitely do hate it. But it’s not because I don’t want to explore my feelings, failures, or fuck-ups. Indeed, that’s all I want to do. All I’ve ever wanted to do.
Issue is who I want to do it with, and that who refuses to speak to me, or acknowledge my existence. I can’t say I don’t deserve it, but have to believe I don’t, or I wouldn’t even try to remember shit. If I was out of hope, I’d still be drinking, and if I didn’t quit drinking? I’d be dead. Not in a dramatic literary sense. I was in the hospital for a month when I quit, because my body was already giving up the fucking ghost. I’d be dead, assuredly. And I deserve a lot, little of it good, but I don’t deserve death.
What do I deserve? I have no fucking clue, but don’t believe life gives a shit about that. Life is blissfully neutral, cruel and unfeeling, because life goes on. It moves on, unlike me. My terrible therapist, who gave the repeated cross-stitch level advice ‘Be Nicer to Yourself’ diagnosed me with prolonged grief over losing my best friend who isn’t dead. I’m just dead to her, but apparently that’s enough. Prolonged grief is so fucking relevant because it’s the same affliction that my main character suffers in my first book: the book I finished for that ex-best friend. Because of her. Fucking hell, I wrote it for her. I started it for myself — sure — but she asked me to read to her, and as a writer; that’s the best gift one could hope for.
And it fucking was. I’ve never felt so loved, supported, built-up, and vital. Needed. Relevant. I was the keeper of a tale, and had a captive audience. I’ve never experienced better in my life. I hope I can get back there again, one day. I believe it can’t just be a singular experience in my hellish, relatively short but often brutally long existence.
I’ll experience that momentary magic again, with her, or someone else. Because I’m not giving up, and I’m not going to sit idly by while I forget everything I’ve done. The good, bad, and Quasimodo. Because if I forget, I’ll never fucking learn.
Pushing away someone you love without intention is one of the most painful experiences to survive. When it’s the person who you feel understands you the most, and they still are able to discard you like trash? You must be trash, or you must have been wrong about them all along, right?
No. My name is Haley, I’m a writer, an ex-drunk; and I’m going to remember everything I’ve done so I don’t destroy my life again. I’ll learn the difference between selfish and self-preservation. I don’t have a choice. I won’t be getting another shot at this shit.
Love. Always.
Thursday, March 17, 2022
Misplaced Monologues: "Haley 2.0 (or "why I shouldn't journal")"
There are others like me, and when I find them? Those are the golden days. The fire-filled friendship marathons where I am more in love with that specific person than I ever have been with myself or any other human alive. Every time I love, it feels bigger and more complete. Closer to fucking nirvana, though I’m an atheist and believe in nothing, save for people.
I fucking believe in people. My salvation is people. The romance of an encounter. The thrill when you get a text from just the person you’re waiting for. When you see them and have the same exact thought at the precise same moment in time in this giant fucking impossibly vast realty. When that happens: that is bliss.
I started crying typing the above paragraph, but not the type of crying that leaves you rocked and hollow, like grief. The style where there’s an emotion building so warm and fast it feels akin to climax and you’re surprised your Hello Kitty PJ pants remain dry.
Connections. Salvation without spirituality. These synapses that happen before our very eyes while simultaneously occurring deep within our cerebral cortexes. My gray matter is damaged, doubtlessly. Maybe I can never be happy like I once was. Maybe that’s perfect. Maybe I’ll learn to fall in love with this and know it as better. Superior.
I am the best version of myself. I’ve reached the highest plane of my long-yet-short existence–so far.
And I still wonder what I’m doing wrong. Isn’t that fucking crazy? Isn’t it senseless? Or is it what I need. To keep pushing. Driving, striving, living; because I’ve wanted to be done. We’ve all wanted to be done, haven’t we? It isn’t just me, but we don’t always talk about suicide until it’s been achieved. Until it’s past tense, like my fiction.
Open dialog within this monolog always. Reach out to me, Haley B. I see you. You aren’t invisible to me. Hope I’m not to you, either. And even if I am?
I’m the best version of myself. I’m not going to edit this.
Love Always @HaleyBCU
P.S. haleybcu@mail.com & @HaleyBCU on all social networks. If you need me.
Sunday, March 6, 2022
Poem: "Trying"
D.N.S. Poem: "Search Exhausted"
Friday, January 14, 2022
D.N.S. Poem: "Earned It"
Your bullshit
Won't forfeit
I earned it.
My memories
They haunt me,
Your words
Become taunting
On repeat
No damn sleep
My prayer's weak
No soul keep.
My heartbreak
Is legit
I'll take shit
I earned it.
I'll protest
And regress
Dismissed
By an ice bitch.
I fucked up.
I've learned it.
This bitch
Fucking earned it.
4:22AM, Friday, January 14th, 2022
Love. Always.
@HaleyBCU