Poem: "but"

i get it now.
i finally understand.
a new door opens—
after one's slammed on your hands.
life is breathing, evolving.
breaking. sobbing.
losing it all and starting anew
is the new black and fuckin' blue.

but, who am i kidding?
i don't have a clue.
falling for narcissists
like they're something new.
they pick me out of a crowd
saying, 'hey, i like you.
you've got that magic shit, girl,
with that thing that you do.'

same old story, different year
but, bitch?
i'm still right here.
too much for you?
yeah.
that's fucking true.
because I'm 100% me
with or without you.

loyal. honest.
true fucking blue.
messy. dramatic.
selfish as shit, too.
i have to be,
or i lose myself
to assholes
like you.

pull out a mirror
that shit'll get clearer
but you won't
out of fear, dear.
you won't take a selfie
'cause you're afraid of yourself, see?
but i'm not.
of you or of me.

but?
upon further reflection
i'm the denominator
that's common.
the loser.
alone here.
starting over
again.

but,
bb?
my ass
can
always
make
new
friends.
-12:28 AM, September 23rd, 2022