Poem: "This"

If I could say anything to you
It'd be so succinct, and I'd warn you
That you'd die in November.

You wouldn't believe me.
Who would? I'd sound crazy.
I'd cry, beg and plead with you
But you'd follow your truth.
And you'd die in November.

Regrets are fucking pointless—
how was I so spineless?
To not force you to believe
That you'd prematurely leave
And be dead before December.

There's no hope left, believe me.
But I hope you went easy
After half a decade of grieving
You deserved to finally breathe—

Not just fucking leave.

I'm so sorry these words
Won't be heard
By you. My goddamn girl
Who deserved the fucking world–
Not this.

I failed to lead you by the hand
When I'm somebody that under-fucking-stands
The grip of this shit
How your life was taken by it.
'Cause I almost went first.

There's no good reason I'm here
And you're nowhere.
Same age. Same town.
We both tried to drown.
Only one surfaced.

You didn't deserve this.
-8:50 PM, 01.06.2023

Love Always, @HaleyBCU

Poem: "Without You"

Were you lonely
On the day you died?
Did you feel it coming?
Did you try & hide?

Were you ready?
Plans in place.
Ready to ascend
Beyond outer space?

I don't know
What the religious believe.
Seems the only purpose
is allowing room to grieve.

I've never bought in
to Hell, Heaven, or God.
I believe in people.
Needing more feels odd.

I was going to say,
"I hope it's true.
Hope you were right,
And this wasn't it for you."

But I don't hope that.
Hope's not my bag.
I'm fucked up that you're gone
And you're never coming back.

That I'll never hear your laugh;
gravely, wild, and kind.
And never get another one-on-one
Where I peek inside your mind.

There's no hope left for you.
That time is fucking passed.
No purpose in pounding fists,
Or telling life to kiss my ass.

Beliefs mean nothing
Staring into reality's cold face,
When the truth is
None of us are long for this place.

But you?
You left too soon.
I'll never forget you.
And have no clue what to fucking do.

Without You.

Love Always,
@HaleyBCU -11:22 AM, 11/20/2022

Misplaced Monologues: "Abandoned"

Abandoned.

Is it worse for a parent to leave, or to die?  Either way, it's a form of abandonment.  I don't mean freak accidents, plane crashes, murders.  If someone chooses, from the moment they breed offspring, to do something clearly detremental to put them in the express lane toward the end of their life.

My father was a smoker.  Probably also a midnight toker, from what I've heard, but it wasn't that type of smoking that took him down.  You can read goverment and independent studies that show things of an alternative nature show little to no harm.  Not the same goes for the effects of tobacco, and it really pisses me off.  Like, so much.  Like, why is that girl leaving the party 'cause of the cigarette smokers?

It's fucking awful.  I re-live his death constantly when anyone that I even begin to care about picks up a cancer stick.  It hurts and does not compute.

For some background, I'm a pot smoking athiest.  Love animals but I eat some of them, never litter but I drive a car, always positive but I have some hang-ups.  I can't see past the cigarettes, or cigars.  Or dip.  The tobacco.

It feels like a very real choice for my father to have abandoned me, had a decision to make the minute I arrived and chose himself first.  Any parent who smokes tobacco is committing a near-felony, IMHO.  Shit is no longer about you when your skeet creates another human.  Fact.

And it makes me feel alone.  All I could know, the stories I miss, the support I do not have.  It makes me enraged.  I was second choice to a person who chose to give me life.  Second choice to a drug that gives little to no return, drains your pockets and isolates you.  It burns me that my life and childhood was fractured because he couldn't make the choice to man up.

From cigarettes, to the patch, to cigars: he never dropped the habit.  People accept it, let it go.  No one looks at you and says, "This will kill you, without a doubt."  Maybe not true for a lucky few, but for the majority, their fate is fairly set if they cannot set it down.

So my life is missing something I can never regain, and it's sad, but mostly I'm pissed.  Pissed at his choices and his lack of regard, for himself, his wife and for me.

Abandoned.  That's precisely what it is.